Apple insider reveals secret plan to launch revolutionary iCar

Apple insider, Mr. Jeremy Core, inadvertently revealed the seeds of a plan to launch a car later this year. The exact dates are not yet known but it is slowly becoming clear as to what features this revolutionary new car will have, short after the release of the iPhone.

Is Apple right again? Do cars have too many wheels?

In a major departure from conventional cars, Apple iCar will shun some of the common features like 4 wheels and round steering mechanism. Apple's Core said Steve thinks that 4 wheels are just too many and confuse the average user. In fact, insider sources reveal that Steve nearly threw a fit when he saw the early prototypes with 4 wheels and a spare saying "Do I really need all these.. you (expletive deleted)! Go get me a car with 1 wheel like the iPod or the Mac!" After several rounds of negotiations, which at Apple primarily meant firing of senior engineers and architects, Jobs relented to go with a three wheeled design.

Of Square Pegs and Round Holes
Among other features of the three wheeler car, is a square steering wheel. Although awkward to use and reported to poke injuries on sharp turns, it does make the iCar appealing to a certain market segment. Apple's Core refused to comment on reports of injury and neither confirmed nor denied the leaked statement by Steve, "Most people don't know how to drive straight and the square steering wheel will let these (expletive deleted by FCC)-ing morons know when the steering wheel is straight."

Microsoft Rune
Microsoft senior executives speaking on condition of anonymity said that they find the whole idea of 3 wheels and square steering wheel 'simple minded and not what we have heard customers are asking for'. In fact, he thought that there might be liability arising out of use of the words steering wheel when the actual shipping product is square. There are unconfirmed rumors that Microsoft is planning to counter with Rune (pronounced "ruin"), a car which will come with 7 wheels. Although most customers will only use 4, Microsoft product managers believe that enterprises want the added security that comes with extra wheels. The pricing for the Rune is not yet fully decided but will most likely be based on per-wheel metric. The other key features of Rune:

• Lots and lots of windows. The standard 4 side windows in most cars will be replaced by many smaller dedicated windows - one for looking at the side street, one for looking slightly up at the street lighting and so on. You can go to the Control Panel and follow the 19 step quick setup wizard to customize these windows.
• 6 Cup holders. Analyst from Gardener, Mr. Trim said that the cup holders will be slightly smaller than standard cups and will require customers to purchase new standard cups from Microsoft partners.

Integrated Experience with iGas
When approached for comments, Apple's Core declined but mentioned the following features that are going to "Wow!" the customer in an apparent jab at Microsoft's Wow campaign:

• iGas Stores: The iCar will not run on gasoline currently available but will require a 90.5 octane that can only be procured from iGas stores run by Apple. Jobs believes that the current gas station experience leaves the customer with too many confusing choices and that iGas will provide a superior experience including hands-on car advice by Apple Machine Heads.
• Pre-integrated and welded on Battery and other replacement parts: Apple has decided to enhance the user experience by completely bypassing the current car fixing industry known for over charging and other scams. In stead, you will have to ship, or drive the car to an Apple factory (in San Jose-California, Chapel Hill-North Carolina or Salt Lake-Utah).

The blogger (yes, me) conducted an informal phone survey of potential car buyers and the response was overwhelmingly positive. Here are some quotes:

• "I can't wait to go under 300K of debt to buy the iCar, it will be super awesome", said 16-year old Michele. In an unrelated note, she is expected to be featured on MTV's My Sweet Sixteen.
  
• "Four wheels always seemed like an overkill, no wonder Detroit is going out of business", said 32-year old software executive at a reputed German company.
• "Round steerings are so totally square", said 44-year old Chandra. As a vegan, she also appreciates that the iCar will have no leather parts.
  

What do you think? Will iCar finally break Toyota's run to the top?

Note: I will reveal the first pictures of the iCar in next few days, so be sure to check back.

News:Tivo, Apple TV, SlingBox, Scientific Atlanta to live near a water heater

Yes, the time has come for all these devices that I have put up with in my living room - the cable box, the DVR/Tivo, Apple TV, SlingBox, storage backup, cable router, and even the gaming server (PS2/XBox) - to move out. They have made themselves a bit too comfortable over the years pretending to be part of my decor and furniture. The cute colors and silver containers are not fooling me anymore, the tangle of wires is a dead give away. You do not belong in my living room. The Businessweek story A File Server...in Your Living Room? notwithstanding.

Growing up, I recall how the air conditioner, the water heater, and even the washing machine were all conspicuously visible and tolerated. But in due course of time, they stopped being status symbols and we wanted them out of where we can see them. The same is true (or getting there) for these modern computing devices in the garb of gaming and entertainment.

We have all read the stories reported by business media on Apple v Microsoft (C|Net), Microsoft v Sony (USA Today) fights to dominate the living room. My living room! How dare they even try?

Here is what I am giving them and in 18 months from now, they better adapt or they will not be welcome in my shopping bag anymore:

• Rack in my heater or laundry room with lots of Ethernet cables. Heck, I am willing to pony up cash for Gigabit Ethernet or whatever upgrades you want.
• An infrared relay mechanism between my living room and the 'laundry server room' so that some devices that need to be operated by remote controls of today will still work. But plan to switch to Wi-Fi (or Bluetooth) as the communicating technology with the devices - I never really was a big fan of having to point my remote in the right direction just to switch channels.
• Plan to integrate your displays with my (big screen HD) television. This is already true for most devices but those that have not yet paid heed, remember that I cannot see your device's puny little display in the laundry server room.

Just like a good Carrier split air conditioner that sits out in the sweltering heat, your devices must learn to serve the master (me) without asking me to re-arrange my furniture. Kapish?

iBanana released; Chiquita sued by Dole

Bananas at work: Creative Commons license by vidrio

Today, Chiquita's world-famous marketing wizard Steve Jobless anounced a USB capable, Bluetooth enabled iBanana. Dole had long ago trademarked the name iBanana for a Banana tree that is powered by wireless electricity and claimed that eventually convergence of wirless electricity and Bluetooth will create confusion in the minds of customers. Dole is suing Chiquita for the potential infringement. Bob Dole was not available for comment. Shakira and Britney Spears refused to provide exact location of Bob Dole claiming "We have not seen him since the Pepsi Ad"

Meanwhile, the shares of i maker Intel that power i and other vowels crept up even as speculation was rife that the i may be replaced by a consonant v due to pricing constraints. Intel has launched a $200 million ad campaign aimed at thwarting AMD's a that claims to be first amongst vowels. Intel's marketing manager claimed that i was first in Roman numerals signifying the number 1 and then hastened to add "..and also 1,2,3 all are i's- i, ii, iii" Watch out competition!

Gratuitous iPhone shot mandated by Apple mafia for all bloggers.